You must log in or # to comment.
A friend would understand. There is always tomorrow/next week. You should be celebrating your friends every day, not just their birthday.
The date doesn’t matter, the person does.
“nobody wants to work anymore” energy.
But I am le tired.
Well then have a nap
THEN FIRE Z MISSILES!!
cigarette first
If I push through it and ignore my needs, I will have a meltdown and that’s no fun for anybody. That being said, my friends are a priority and I’ll always be there for them as long as I’m physically able.
If I’m invited I’m 100% going, I just don’t get invited
I know some people like that, and it’s exhausting. They want support and want to vent, but when it’s time to do the reverse they will have an excuse. Then they wonder why they rotate through friends quickly.
This is when comes the part everybody likes talking about but nobody likes doing, you gotta set boundaries. I had a ton of friends like that who would vent to me and then never do the inverse, so one time I just straight up told a friend who did this to me to not talk about her problems with me if she didn’t want to solve them. Saying I was sick of hearing her complain to me and if she did, then I’d turn my brain off and become a wall.
You gotta do that. Friendships can be difficult like any relationship and these are going to be needed. You can’t have a relationship with no boundaries. I’ve tried. They don’t work ever. So long as your friends are willing to respect them or at least try to, you might have something good. Have these difficult and awkward talks with your friends. It’ll honestly make your friendships stronger and better.
You’re not wrong, necessarily, but how did it work out for that relationship afterward? Did she become a better friend? Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth the effort. It doesn’t feel like a lot but many of us are problematically conflict-averse so it is a lot of effort in that way. If the “friend” in question isn’t presenting much value to me as a friend, I’m probably not going to invest a lot of effort into improving the relationship, especially if I have other, better options. Maybe that’s mean in its own way but then again, it’s just a different kind of setting boundaries, I suppose.
Yeah, it worked out good. I’m not gonna say it easn’t a rocky road to get there. It did take a lot of awkward conversations, but I feel we’re better off now.
We all have to thread the needle between showing up and maintaining our relationships and caring for ourself and not overdoing it.
That balance is unique to each of us. Do your best.
I liked having friends when I was a kid. Being friends with adults is complicated and exhausting.
I gave up.
This is why I avoid friendships with most people, they seemingly come with such long list of expectations that are completely unmanageable for me.
You have to nurture friendships with care. That looks different for everyone. But if you don’t ever show up, don’t reciprocate energy etc…the other person is going to feel that. It is a hurtful and draining experience for the other person over the long term. I’ve heard the term “energy vampire” which is one way these kinds of paradigms end up. I’ll always pivot for a friend because Ive made that kind of relationship a priority.
I am friends with people I do things with.
By never doing things I avoid having friends.
It’s really quite nice.
I don’t think the reasons why matter all that much. If someone’s not coming to the shared experiences (a party, a get together, a nice chat, whatever) then they’re not paying into the relationship.
Ah. I see. How much money do you want for me to skip the birthday party?
Metaphorically paying in some other way - skip the party, but spend time together in some other way - can sustain the relationship.
Whether or not I’m a good friend also depends on the friend’s needs. If their needs are like mine, then they’ll probably be content with what I’m ready to offer. If not, that’s okay. Can’t be everyone’s friend anyway.
Because classmate is not a friend?
For sure not with that outlook lmao
I think I’m a good friend. I have a few dozen friends or so (across multiple countries that I’ve lived) and I’m a man in my 40s. Men don’t typically care about birthdays and stuff – so it’s not terribly hard. You reach out every now and again and have a chat and also when you’re in town you make time.
Whenever I plan something I try to involve them and it doesn’t happen often now that I’m a lot older. So, it’s not particularly hard.
My friends don’t always get back to me though … those that do are the ones I’ve stayed friends with.
If it’s important to you, you’ll make time. If not, you’ll make an excuse.
You say “a few dozen friends.” Do you actually consider all of them friends, or are some friends and the rest acquaintances?
I know many people that I’m friendly with through work and other places, but the majority is consider acquaintances. I also have friends, but that’s a much smaller group.
For the most part, I would say I do?
Lived in London for so long. We drink, we eat, been through stuff with them, I know partner’s names and kids names and went travelling with them. I’m closer with some than others of course, but I still consider them friends? I could be wrong? Everyone says I put in more effort than most to keep in touch and organize and all that. Since I no longer live there I don’t catch up much any more so it’s a big catch up once a year when I’m there now instead of our weekly/monthly dos.
In Canada, I have highschool friends around me and we don’t catch up as much but I still consider them friends as well. I’ve been groomsmen to their weddings and all that. We still don’t catch up like we used to but I’d like to think what’s nice is that we can tear ourselves away from our partners/family that it’s sorta like we never left. We don’t guilt each other for not catching up – but we all make the effort when we can.
I’ve lost a lot more acquaintances over time as well? Those I would say were coworkers, friends of friends or maybe friends of circumstances and all that jazz? To be clear, I am definitely extroverted.
Dear Lord - I can accept that! As an introvert, just reading that level of engagement was overwhelming lol.
