i only feel sexual attraction towards my partners, and they have to be sexual first. if they’re not sexual people, i only feel romance to them and no sexual feelings. i frankly don’t wanna bang anyone and have never felt like actually doing so until i met my partner, and even then, it’s more out of curiosity and romantic sparks than anything else (i’m super romantic so i’m not aromantic).
i only feel sexual feelings under certain circumstances, and even then, i use it to make myself happy and not really wanting to have sex with someone.
i am sure i feel sexual attraction, like probably towards my partner, but i’d say less so than most people do, perhaps???
i’m demisexual for now which is on the ace spectrum.
Not a stupid question at all, but my recommendation would be to worry less about labels.
Who cares about the label? You’re a human being with all your little quirks and capabilities, just like everyone else and I guarantee you that nobody fits any label perfectly. A label is only required for those with a need to show off the label.
See also https://dlm-econometrics.blogspot.com/2020/04/the-average-man.html?m=1
Yes you are valid. There is a microlabel that you may relate to, if you’re looking for it:
Reciprosexuals don’t feel sexual attraction until they know someone is attracted to them first. This can create a dynamic where attraction follows mutual interest rather than leading it, different from most other orientations.
But ace is ace is ace is ace. If you identify as being on the ace spectrum, you are valid. If you change your mind later, you were (and are) still valid. You do you boo.
Sometimes labels help. Sometimes they don’t.
Also, Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are could help!
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Fuck/don’t fuck whoever you want, you’ll always be valid.
#NoQueerCopsAtPride
The Vegan Police, on the other hand, are very serious business.
There’s no queer police coming to dictate who isn’t valid.
Yet
No, if you dont follow a specific definition made by a white cis man you are doing it wrong and should be prosecuted. Finding your own definition makes you a thread to society. (s.)
Be who you want to be. Let yourself enjoy it and call yourself whatever feels good.
You can call yourself whatever you want.
There’s no sexuality police (yet).I feel like this describes me and I call myself demisexual, I’m only attracted to people who are attracted to me after years of pursuing people who hurt me for wanting them.
That’s a bit different than demi. For them, sexual attraction doesn’t happen unless they feel a strong emotional connection. Whether or not the other person displays attraction towards them is mostly irrelevant (my wife is demi)
A more accurate label would be Reciprosexual.
Sexualities are only useful as options on the dating app.
Whether you describe yourself as “asexual” or “demisexual” (or "straight’ or “gay”) only matters when you’re looking for a new partner and need to choose how much “what do you mean by that” you want to put up with.
Labels are meant to help you navigate and exist in the world. If it’s achieving that, it’s the right label!
No, they can be useful for helping a person find their identity but first and foremost they’re descriptors. You shouldn’t be claiming to people that you’re blue eyed if you don’t have blue eyes even if you’ve lived your whole life thinking you did until just recently after looking in the mirror for the first time.
Let’s use your example.
“You shouldn’t claim you have blue eyes”
Why not? Who’s it hurting? I wouldn’t correct someone if they said they had blue eyes. I’d just roll with it.
You stupid motherfucker bro
I guess I just won the argument then lol if you’re best rebuttals is calling me stupid I just have really destroyed your argument lol
I’ve been destroyed with facts and logic, I kneel
It doesn’t sound like calling yourself blue eyed in that circumstance would help you exist in and navigate the world…
Only if you consider lying to yourself and others helpful for navigating the world
That’s why sexuality labels and identity labels are best when they’re self chosen. People get to decide for themselves what helps and what fits. And part of that whole process is dealing with other people offering their opinions, whether you asked for them or not. That stuff impacts the labels people choose and/or the labels people choose to share.
Right but self choosing a label doesn’t mean that you define what that label means or if it applies to you. Telling someone the label they have chosen is applicable if they personally think it is appropriate is stupid when they’ve asked specifics about what exactly a label means and how it might apply in the context of their life.
As much as you may think otherwise, sexuality and identity labels aren’t objective. They are subjective and self applied, because it doesn’t matter what label you pick, or how clear cut you think it is, there is someone, somewhere, who uses it differently. There is no single “truth” when it comes to these things.
So yeah, picking a label that helps you navigate the world is the smart choice. Because if you’re trying to pick a label based on some objectively true definition, you’ll fail before you begin, because there is no such thing in this context
If the labels are subjective, how can my interpretation that you’re using them wrong be wrong?
That’s what people do all the time and why the meaning of labels change over time.
Instead of immediately jumping to conclusions when you hear of a label, the proper reaction should be to just ask for more information and get to know the person more.
That’s the difference between using labels as a tool, or as a discriminator.
Most labels aren’t as simple as physical descriptors.
I didn’t say physical I only used it as my example
And your example didn’t fit this situation, because it’s a purely physical descriptor.
Okay? You shouldn’t call yourself gay if you’re not. Happy now?
How happy can they be if not gay? It literally means happy
Trueee
Don’t worry about labeling yourself or otherwise over-complicating things. It’s not what defines you.
You are 100% valid.
Asexuality is a massive spectrum, not a narrow box. Most of us see Ace as a big tent that covers anyone who experiences attraction differently, rarely, or only under specific conditions. It isn’t an all or nothing thing.
What you described, needing a romantic bond first, is the core of demisexuality. And that bit about only feeling it if your partner is “sexual first”? That’s actually a specific thing called reciprosexuality. Both are widely recognized and respected parts of the Ace community.
One thing that helps a lot of people is separating attraction from action. You can participate in sex for curiosity or romantic intimacy and still be asexual. It’s about that internal pull (or lack of it), not the act itself.
Labels are just tools to help you navigate your own life and find your people. They are not cages you have to fit into perfectly. If calling yourself Ace or Demi feels right to you now, then it is yours to use.
I’m like tthat too, never really cared about sex, I prefer to deal with it myself when needed, but my partners liked it so I did it.
I never considered myself asexual because I do feel atraction to men, I like kissing and touching just don’t care about sex.I just always thought I have a low sex drive. I was married for 5 years but stop dating about 10 years ago and feel finally free.
Right off the bat - Demisexual.
otherwise known as a normal person.
the vast a majority of folks only have sex in relationships. despite what popular media tells you.
The difference is that many people feel sexual attraction towards potentially anyone whereas demisexuals only potentially feel sexual attraction to people they’ve already formed a close bond with. It’s not about actually having sex with people, it’s about the sexual attraction or lack thereof
I’m ace and I was always confused about why people panic around hot people. I get panicking around someone new, but their hotness never plays into it. It was only until I learned about asexuality and learned that most people have a physical reaction to people they find physically/sexually attractive (whether that be increased heart rate, arousal, etc.) I’ve simply never experienced that. Demisexuals are similar in that they don’t deal with that for strangers but if they have a strong emotional connection with someone then they may start to feel sexual attraction
Yes, you are ace. So you are making up a false narrative about how other people work, that isn’t true.
Very few people are like that. Most people are not attracted to most people. Most people are not attracted to others solely based on looks either. There is also a difference in recognizing someone’s beauty, and being attracted to them.
And I’m talking real world attraction, not sexual fantasizing.
I didn’t say they’re attracted to most people they meet, I said that they potentially could feel sexual attraction. As in, it’s not unusual for them to feel sexual attraction towards a complete stranger
anyone can be potentially attracted to anyone in the right circumstances…
Asexuality isn’t a diagnosis, it’s a method of self identification.
If you feel like you identify as ace then you are.
Many people have responsive desire as opposed to spontaneous desire. That’s even a common friction point in relationships.
that’s interesting, where is that distinction from?
I’m not sure where it’s ‘from’ necessarily, I’ve just read about it a couple times.
