Notice the underlying assumption that people will always act selfish (“capitalism makes everyone selfish”, “a partner only wants to enjoy your stable life”), are unreliable (“people are only fair-weather friends”, “people don’t want to socialize”) and are always out to get you (“going outside is dangerous, because people want to run me over and fascists will kill me”, “someone wants to wipe out my progress”).

And (apart from your parents) is that how people in your life have behaved? (Like e.g. People in school, early childhood friends, teachers or even strangers)

You wrote that your brain is “constantly thinking about everything and everyone that could kill me or take everything I have”, but I think it’s also what your assuming everyone WANTS to do.

This is a REALLY good point. I think I might be projecting a lot here. And, no – as sad and confusing as it is, not one person in my life has acted nearly as antagonistic or vindictive towards me as my actual parents, even the kids who bullied me at school.

I know this sounds fucking insane, but my parents threatened to kill me, abandon me, or take things from me all the time and still do. I still live with them because I’m chronically ill, disabled, and depressed, but I’m working on getting out.

In fact, I stood up to them earlier today at dinner, telling them that their words and tone of voice were hurtful, and they literally laughed in my face, called me an “ungrateful piece of shit,” and said they weren’t going to buy me food or drive me places anymore, which prevents me from getting routine medical and dental care. So indeed, they take away basic support if I criticize them. But I realized that nothing will change if I continue to fear them. Every day I become less afraid, and their threat level has risen in tandem.

Truly, there is no hate like their love.

So I guess I treat life like an extension of my parents, where I am emotionally abused, neglected, and in constant danger of being physically hurt or losing basic privileges if I make any wrong move. It feels like I am constantly living under their contemptuous gaze, starving for warmth and acknowledgement, and people will punish me or withhold resources from me if I express my honest feelings or fail to meet expectations.

Thanks for pointing out that pattern. I feel a little less lost than before.

I probably should have specified in the post that I’ve never had a partner before…

The context, in short, is that I was raised in an environment with a degree of emotional neglect so totalizing that it led me to believe that wanting affection and emotional support was an obscure fetish, and that this so-called fetish was the reason I was a broken person who could never be loved. (That’s why I’ve never tried to get into a relationship.)

Based on the replies I’m getting, I think it’s safe to say that everything I believed was a lie, one that stemmed from the emotional deprivation chamber of my childhood.

I like the point you make about communication. I definitely plan on communicating my most important needs upfront if I start dating. In childhood, I learned to fear my needs and never voice them because they would never be met, but now, I think I know better.

This is something I worry about happening if I get into a relationship and is probably one of the biggest reasons why I’ve never been in one, second only to the fear of these desires being rejected.

I don’t actually know what my behavior would be if I got into a relationship. I always just think, “What if it goes badly and I end up severely hurt?” That was always enough to deter me.

I feel way better than I did 2 years ago and I feel far less neurotic than I did just a few months ago, though. I can actually feel safe in some circumstances and I initiated a conversation with a stranger for the first time the other day, when I’ve been afraid to do so all my life.

I’m not sure that I can just get rid of my desire to be doted on and praised at least to some degree. But I’m hoping I can get to the point where I stop worrying about it so much.