As an (US)American, I wake up every morning screaming into the Void.

Then the Void requests a subscription fee.

I’m not legally allowed to sleep until I’ve paid the Void, one way or another.

I can never pee beyond thunderzone because Tina Turner is so intinadating.

That’s why I always wear two pair of socks.

A whole new Moooooom…

And, of course, the Imperial Kek is slightly larger in the UK than in the US.

We need a standardized unit to measure this.

GpK: Gallons of water per Kek.

I would cease to exist were I that far from Trader Joe’s.

It just occurred to me that Vance is probably the only VP in history that would hungrily eye the Cuck Chair.

A new life awaits you in the off world colonies!

But, did he ever get busy in a Burger King bathroom?

Willy! What’s that?

Some people, apparently, haven’t heard of the Ancestral Dildo.

Wang! Pay attention!

The fact that only three interesting things happen in your game shouldn’t be stretched out by a hobbled character that can only crawl along and is doomed to absorb atmosphere that was copy/pasted from assets.

Also, please don’t have 20 doors that rattle, causing the MC say, ‘It’s locked!’ when there exists no key in the game that will ever open that door.

This results in dim bastards like me finding a key and trying it on every door I’ve encountered while dodging the charming pig man that you totally didn’t steal from another game.

It’s irrational, but innate.

Jumping could have absolutely no use in the story you are telling, but once I smash Space and nothing happens you have immediately earned a 4 star at best.

Same goes for no fast walk/shift sprint.

Don’t punish fast readers/imprison players in your narrative if you want them to finish the game.

I’m also one of Those People that will immediately negate a star from a review if I cannot jump in your first person game. Take that for what it is.

I just wish developers of narrative walking simulators would put more work into showing where you can’t go. If I was walking through a haunted asylum with a demon pig man chasing me down a dingy corridor, a couple over turned office chairs and some disarrayed stationary should not block a possible path of egress.

Give me some proper rubble, or a pool of lava, or something.

Edit: I really told the Internet what I felt about walking simulators. Feel free to ignore the rest of this tirade. I’ve just experienced too much 'Walk from point A to Point B while you listen to the voice acting we spent 90% of our budget on.

‘Huh, maybe I can tap the curvy arrow to respond to this response… what if I up vote it so people will respond to my response…’

As Elvis Costello once famously crooned, ‘Only fools Russian.’