This might sound cheesy, but the (spy parody) film Kingsman: The Secret Service changed the way I approach online discourse. At one point in the film, the mentor spy tells his protege that rudeness should never have happened, so a gentlemen ignores it, pretending it didn’t happen, because it shouldn’t have.

I got a PM either this morning or last night saying some rude things. It was just three or four words. I initially ignored it, but I went back and reported it, because the person probably said similar things to others and someone should look at that. But, it didn’t bother me.

We are responsible for our words and actions, and sometimes we say and do things we regret. We’re only responsible for how others make us feel when those feelings manifest into actions. There’s a word we used to use, I’m not sure if it’s fallen out of favour with the millennials, the Gen-Z, and Gen-Alpha groups, but it’s tool, which is to say, someone who is easily manipulated. To be someone’s tool is to take action on their behalf. Someone is rude to you, so you’re rude to two other people. You’re the tool of the person who was rude to you. And if the tool breaks (you do something really bad, or you get busted, like banned from a comm or something) they will just get a new tool. Don’t be a tool. When someone is ugly, that is them and their responsibility. When you react badly, you take that responsibility from them; now you own it.

The alternative is to simply do nothing. On Reddit, you could downvote them, and if enough people did, it would limit how often they could post. (This system was frequently exploited by bad actors.) On Lemmy, it doesn’t do anything. I hide all the vote weights and sort by new, and I suspect others do as well. It’s exactly what I’d do if I were trying to bring others down, but I do it for my own mental well-being. So you can downvote them, but it’s best to just ignore them. If you must reply, reply to anyone else.

Fire needs fuel and air to burn (and one other thing, the key to fire fighting is to “break the triangle” by removing one element). Give online fire neither. And you will have effectively fought it. Because people who spew vitriol are waiting for you to respond. Not just you, but they’ve got several irons in the fire. They’re hoping someone responds, so they can needle them to action they wouldn’t take otherwise. And once you see that’s how they operate… you can safely ignore it. And if everyone could have that wisdom and strength… I think a lot of them would stop doing it. They’d think they were shadow banned (allowed to post but no one can see what they say) until they post something productive and people react.

They say every man is your teacher. Teach others through example that rudeness should be ignored because it should never have happened.

That said, some people deserve to be blocked. Browsing /all and sorting by new, I see way more dick pics than I should (and I block the gay and dick related communities!). If I had a way to send those pics to their mothers, I would. But I don’t, so I just block them. I think a lot of people do, so they just make new accounts. Not much you can do, but you can block what you really don’t like. It’s still better than fanning the flames by telling them off.

And you can keep that same energy in real life. If someone cuts you off in traffic, just let them go. Eventually, they’ll get the wrong one. Don’t think you’re the wrong one, because they might be the wrong one. It’s not worth it. It never is. Let them go. Your peace of mind is worth more.

Anyway, just wanted to throw that out there. Wasn’t sure where to post it, but then I saw this comm. So there you go. :)