I have a meaningless job that pays my bills, lets me invest and save for my 401k. I should be happy but I’m not.
I should be more ambitious but I don’t have any motivation to find something better in my current field, nursing. No matter where I work with my degree in nursing, it’s going to be the same shit wherever I go: stupid, entitled people, both coworkers, doctors and patients, drug addicts, people with dementia, cancer, drunks, infuriating relatives who believe I’m their waiter, people with minimal complains who believe they’re more important than the possible heart attack next to them, the coworker who won’t shut up talking about her children…
I know no matter where I work there are always curious characters you simply have to pretend to like but I find it so tiring faking interest in their crap (coworkers I mean). It could be even worse because my actual manager is not much of an asshole.
I always wanted to study literature and write novels, which I still like and do, but there is not much money there. As much as I hate my current job, it pays the bills.
But I still feel stagnated.
One doctor suggested me to enroll in a nursing master to get better job options but I’m simply not motivated.
This doctor doesn’t seem to understand that what I need if I go this route are mentors, because the master will only teach me theory on paper, not the practical experience I’m going to need and my hospital is not a good teaching hospital: people claim they’ll help you but as soon as management leaves, they ignore you.
I don’t know if I have unrealistic expectations.
I also feel like a coward sometimes because I don’t want to lose a mediocre position with financial stability for a passion that might not earn me a living.
At the same time, the best opportunities usually require you to go outside your comfort zone.
I don’t know what to do.
I have a meaningless job that pays my bills, lets me invest and save for my 401k. I should be happy but I’m not.
that’s because you grew up ingesting capitalist propaganda, where your value to society is based upon how productive you are to the ruling class. you need to stop being so interested in your job, and start looking for fulfillment outside of work. you have a job that pays your bills, that’s all you need. you aren’t here on this earth to work. you don’t need something “better”. you need to learn to fucking relax.
I second this.
So your doctor said something smart, but you have excuses as to why it wouldn’t work. Which tells me it’s less about the excuses but more that you don’t want to go that route in the first place. Which leads me to believe you shouldn’t pursue that path.
Can you give us an idea about your life outside of work? When you get home do you have freetime? Do you get home and flop on the bed and wake up to do it again? Do you have free time but spend it drinking, smoking, or otherwise self medicating?
I ask because, for a lot of us, our free time is the only time we have to sacrifice to pursue our personal goals unfortunately. Do you feel you have the free time to pursue these goals? Could you go to a night class at a community college on writing and see if you gain anything from it? I believe you can get partially through a semester at most places before you’re no longer eligible for a full refund and withdrawal if it’s not for you.
Would you ever consider therapy? It might help with the feeling of being overwhelmed. You might feel like you’re “supposed” to be happy, but it’s not always stability that provides that. Sometimes the pain that we go through to achieve stability ultimately is not worth it.
Find meaning outside of work. Hobbies, friendships, volunteering, something other than working and just paying into the system for rich assholes to profit more.
You are right that your odds for self-sustainability aren’t good to suddenly switch to literary author. You need book deals first. Try talking to some authors (online if nothing else) to see what the day-to-day is like.
Pediatrics has a lot fewer drug addicts and dementia cases. Would you move to a teaching hospital? Changing scenes (while a lot of work) gives a fresh buzz to ambition
You sound like you’re dealing with my old friend burnout. Take a vacation and see how you feel after it. You have lots of options if you’re truly (and understandably) done with nursing. Nurses can do anything IMO.
It sounds like you are depressed
Maybe try workaway? Or a non-profit? See the world. With nursing skills, you are super, super valuable. Thank you! You are amazing.
Some nurses at our hospital have rolled their experiences over into a book deal. Why don’t you try writing as a side job/hobby for a while and see if it would work out? I know nursing is a stressful job with little down time but if they can manage, you might be able to, too.
