for me… it would be incredibly difficult to intentionally not finish the puzzle.  i have bought secondhand puzzles in the past and they have had missing pieces, and i accepted the task as complete because i did. it have the remaining pieces.  *that* felt fine.

but deciding not to complete the puzzle if i had all of the pieces?  that feels like it would be very difficult.

and i can’t quite put my finger on why.  why does finishing the puzzle bring satisfaction?  what is it about that specific action?  is it because it is culmination?  if it’s because of the finality of it, the ‘it is finished,’ does that mean that the rest of the activity had less value?  or that the only value it had was as part of an effort which was being built upon towards the summit of the last piece’s placement?

this person argues that finishing tasks is a social expectation, and i can agree with them there at least.  a large part of the desire to finish things is in the ‘proving that it can be done and that [i] am capable of doing this thing and thus worthy of esteem.’

so is that it?  is that why i would have a hard time not finishing the puzzle??

maybe it is because i am reflecting internally the external values i was raised with and am surrounded by?  reifying structures around me?

or maybe it is just that it would feel disrespectful to not finish it?  that the puzzle ‘deserves’ finishing?

i finished many puzzles with missing pieces, and for each of them i fabricated the missing pieces- usually from cardboard and pens, or from a piece of the box.  i did it mostly because the hole would distract from the art.  the lack of pieces didn’t bother me, because i was letting that be a meditative practice.  ‘this is imperfect, but it exists and still brings joy.’

but could i bring myself to *cause* that imperfection, when the actual ‘proper’ completion would actually be possible?  hmmm. 🤔

there’s a relation to disability here that i am not clever enough to elucidate unfortunately.  it is just outside of my grasp. i’ll have to sit with it for a while.

probably my brain won’t maintain this shape long enough for me to be able to.  but that’s a puzzle missing a piece out of the box, so i won’t mourn it.  i knew what we were when i started this train of thought.

ah.  that’s part of it, i think. emergence of disability here being the discovery of one’s self ‘lacking a piece,’ when the expectation was that all pieces would be there at the outset.  that is why there is a sadness.

so if i were to sit here with a complete puzzle, considering it *not* as a complete puzzle but as one which was never destined *to* be completed- thinking of it as one that was *created* to be 99%-ed and have its final piece set aside, i think i could make peace with it.

bizarre train of thought.  if you bought a mug and then shattered it, the normal course of action would be to be frustrated or sad.  because mugs are ‘meant’ to be drunk from.  but if the mug was created and destined not to be drunk from but to be broken?  different reaction.  i imagine there would be satisfaction and a sense of completion when it shatters.

so what the hell determines the actual destiny of a thing?  the actual purpose?

i guess that digs to something deeper still, right?  how meaning is created and what meaning even fucking is.  blah.

Your very existence makes me sweat behind the knees