All I do is think. I spend the majority of my time alone so i’m constantly alone with my thoughts. The distractions aren’t working anymore. It’s maddening. I think about my life as it exists, my life as I wish it existed, my fears, my hopes, and anything else you could possibly conceive. I have OCD so a lot of my thoughts revolve around sexuality, identity, and more existential concepts. If you have OCD you probably understand at least some of what i’m talking about. I just want it to stop. I can’t focus on anything, even videogames which I very much enjoyed. I just sit and rot. Don’t even get me started on the compulsive porn binging and jerk sessions. I really don’t know what to do. In case anyone is worried I’m not in any danger. I just can’t keep this to myself anymore. I wish I could just shut my brain off and take a long needed rest.
Actually yes. When I was diagnosed with OCD, I made lots of life changes. I got on medication and was attending therapy regularly. I confessed things to my therapist that I thought I’d take to the grave which really helped. Things were going good until I had a falling out with a friend who treated me like shit. Then there was another friendship that I fucked up. I could have avoided both situations entirely but hindsight is always 20/20. That in combination with some other things sent me into an even deeper depression than before. I pretty much reverted to my old ways. I’m still on medication but it doesn’t help like it used to.
Still, I remember what it was like to be in relatively good spirits. I miss it so much. I wish I could be that version of me again. I liked him (mostly). I wasn’t scared like I am now. I had a positive outlook.