…and I doubt I will change. I’ve not had a boyfriend really ever. I’ve never had a stranger give me a compliment. I’ve never had someone ask me out—and follow through with it. This is all to say that my views and habits rely solely on sex. I’m fully jaded. I resent those who can literally pick whichever guy they want. I resent my best friend for her relationship with her bf. She was not divorced yet, just separated. This guy walked up to her, asked for her number, and that was it. No effort needed. I’ve put so much effort, only to never see anything of promise.
I want things that I cannot have.
Quick edit: I do not want or need sympathy or whatever. I just need to get this off of my chest. I bottle all of this up, and feel even more isolated, and alone.
I really liked it when I was going through mania—the complete opposite of right now. But lately I’ve noticed how empty I feel. Like most things now, it feels impossible and that I physically cannot do it. I don’t know how to describe it. But I guess that’s depression for you. I know that I need to get better, but I’m so familiar with these feelings that I don’t want to. It’s what I know.
I think I will swear off of men again. These feelings remind me why I swore off of them the last time. And the time before. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thank you for taking the time to type out such a thoughtful reply. You give me hope that there are others out there that have such sincerity and empathy.
Yeah that is the toughest part. No-one can do it for you, unfortunately. If you can, you can try professional help. But it is you that needs to take the first step. And that is very hard, so wishing you luck is the best I can do.
It’s good taking your time there as well. You need to be in the business of learning to love yourself first. You cannot find stability with another if you haven’t found it in yourself.
If you’ve lived through it you know how much a little can help a lot. And that helping others is one of the most fundamental things we can do as human beings. I hope that -in due time, after finding your ground- you will be in a position to do so for others!
I got my next appointment moved up to next week. It’s kind of wild to see how far down I’ve fallen since our last visit. Though crying it out earlier helped me think with a clearer head afterward.