…and I doubt I will change. I’ve not had a boyfriend really ever. I’ve never had a stranger give me a compliment. I’ve never had someone ask me out—and follow through with it. This is all to say that my views and habits rely solely on sex. I’m fully jaded. I resent those who can literally pick whichever guy they want. I resent my best friend for her relationship with her bf. She was not divorced yet, just separated. This guy walked up to her, asked for her number, and that was it. No effort needed. I’ve put so much effort, only to never see anything of promise.
I want things that I cannot have.
Quick edit: I do not want or need sympathy or whatever. I just need to get this off of my chest. I bottle all of this up, and feel even more isolated, and alone.


Theres a sappy old movie called Under the tuscan sun. In the film a divorced woman moves to italy. She tries to find love and connection and it fails, over and over. She wanted another wedding, children, a few other things. By the end of the film, she realizes, she helps bring the community together, a young couple meet and fall and love while working on her home, so she gets a wedding, its just not hers, but the couple could have never met if she didnt hire help to fix her home. Her best friend adopts a baby, and I think, ends up moving in because her relationship failed, so she doesnt have her own baby, but will be helping her friend raise a child. There were a few more things like this. Nothing went how she thought it would, and yet, she still sees all she wants in the community she is apart of. She may not be the center, but she is no less important. Its a beautiful way to reframe life in this way.
If you dont have anyone to care for, you must care for yourself right? Finding love in ways you dont expect, can be of some relief I find. To reframe jelousey to joy for others, I imagine, would take some work. A worthy endevour that could relieve suffering. Loneliness sucks, massively. I hope you are doing okay today. Love yourself, cherish yourself. I appreciate you sharing this.
It all just hit me, like literally just now, that I am so far in the pit that I can’t see the light anymore. I’m moving up my next appointment.
<3
Big hugs, you got this