• 7 Posts
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Joined 9 months ago
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Cake day: December 16th, 2025

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  • Shame is usually deployed when someone “should already know better” and usually does not accompany an explanation, unless the shamer is feeling instructive.

    Used to lurk in communities online that mocked others(’ behavior). Sometimes, the “wow what a worthless human being, the world would be better off if they weren’t here” comments also add “couldn’t be bothered to [do good thing X], what a [bad trait Y]” or “what kind of monster does [bad thing X], how [bad trait Y] of them.” Socially inept teenage me found this very instructive on what was acceptable and what was not, especially since I was inadvertently provided the why. (I avoid these types of communities now as a hopefully more-well-adjusted adult.) People can absolutely use their words to explain why something is shameful… at least when they are pretty sure everyone else is on their side, and the person being shamed won’t be able to retaliate (I am sure whoever is filmed for r/noahgettheboat isn’t aware they were posted on Reddit) or will be downvoted a lot if they try to defend themselves, whether justifiably or not (people judged assholes on r/AmITheAsshole).


  • I am a Piefed user. My default settings auto-hide things downvoted by a certain threshold. I have notice that this by default hides a lot of bigotry or cruelty from me, so I don’t bother changing the setting that collapses replies downvoted past a certain threshold. I think a lot of other are the same, or they just never change it because a lot of people do not mess with default settings.

    I know that some people downvote as a simple dislike button. Alright, irrelevant, I don’t care. But I also know that some do it because you broke the norms of the community or the rules or did something mean and cruel. There are enough trolls and dislike-downvoters out there that the most uncontroversial and on-topic post will still get downvotes. 10 downvotes to 200 upvotes is nothing to worry about. But 20 downvotes to 20 upvotes? Hmm, did I just post an unpopular thing and so I can ignore the downvotes, or did I make a big faux pas and was 1) unintentionally but unfortunately bigoted 2) cruel to another user 3) breaking a community norm/rule I failed to notice 4) perceived as spamming/self-promoing/LLM output (I write my em dashes with my own two hands on my keyboard) 5) anything else that people give deserved downvotes for because you’re mucking up the discussion? Time to do some self-examination. There is noise in downvotes, but there’s some meaningful signal too.

    And the people who seem too sensitive about downvotes might be picking up on the signal, going “what did I do? I didn’t do anything wrong, why are you mad at me?” and getting upset over that. I can certainly understand where they might be coming from if they poured their heart out and got a bunch of unexpected downvotes. Or if they are having a really rough day or something. “Is my picture of a pear really that offensive that people would downvote it? Or did I just get my post collapsed and hidden from everyone in !pears or !photography because enough people on All didn’t like it, figured that downvote = dislike, and hit the downvote button? Man, (assuming !pears and !photography are moderately active) having the reasonable expectation that people would see and interact with my post, but having that frustrated because it is auto-hidden as if it were spam sure is frustrating.” And if this is one of your first posts, at least on Piefed, I think if you get enough downvotes you might get marked with two exclamation points by your username for lots of downvotes. Kind of a caution sign, controversial content or spam or cruel or something. Nobody wants to be slapped with the “take care around this person” sign for doing nothing wrong but posting something the hivemind dislikes but that didn’t actually do anything harmful beyond make someone look at a picture they thought was ugly.

    I do not care about the fake internet points, but I do care about the consequences voting has on whether your post will get seen or not, and about the humans trying, in some small way, to judge my post through those votes in case I have actually done something objectionable.






  • Okay, I just realized that I posted my comment in !memes@lemmy.world. I screwed up and made a false assumption the person I replied to was posting in !wholesome@reddthat.com. I’m on PieFed, where crossposts are shown together, along with comments from each community it was posted in. Must have missed the giant header preceding the comments from !memes@lemmy.world explicitly telling me I am looking at lemmy.world comments. Sorry!

    I do want to reply, too, though, because I do feel defensive about the more-roughly/unflatteringly-worded interpretation of my comment or its implications.

    If it makes you feel better, I haven’t made anything up myself personally, though I admit I have posted things without fact-checking unless it seemed fishy. I do think a lot of wholesome posts tend to be personal anecdotes, and people tend to project their own experiences on the rest of the world, which can lead to a lot of “this could never happen. It is unthinkable in my experience with the world, or this particular corner of the world” (in this case sales) even if the anecdote is real. But I have thankfully never worked sales or customer service, so I don’t know for sure. I do have a tendency towards believing people instead of calling “fake, r/thathappened”. I do have huge concern over misinformation when it comes to facts. But I am not quite as concerned with falsely believing wholesome story anecdotes, though I know they too can lead to harms (though probably not as dangerous in this case. Maybe if this story is as fake as a commenter claimed, someone thinks sales can be chiller and more compassionate than it truly is, and apply or recommend someone else apply and then they burn out and waste time applying for and working a job they hate, and now they have to do the hiring process again? Or that people are friendlier to the lonely elderly than they truly are? This is far less damaging than an anecdote that casts aspersions on other groups. I can imagine one that talks about helping someone out, but also falsely attributes the reason they needed help to misdeeds of a marginalized group).

    I think I am not so mad as you because I really don’t believe anyone’s gaslighting here, and even if they are I do not think the harms with false wholesome anecdotes are quite as bad as the harms when saying untruths during discussion of $hotButtonTopic.

    I also frankly grow tired of someone always always having something negative to say in a Big Serious Real Life Issue Plaguing Society way, even when I aggressively try to curate my Fediverse feed to avoid the hot button topics and big life issues (I only look at Subscribed, for one). I already deal with it enough irl and am doing my part with trying to participate in Big Political Actions to make life better, I want to just have fun online and relax after real life, hopefully help and contribute to a FOSS place and feel good about that instead of using one of the big tech platforms, and always end up getting assblasted by someone having to bring up the life issues anyways, even if only as a throwaway joke. I really have to learn to stop going in comments at all. Just post, never comment. Unfortunately I seem to never learn my lesson on that front, and should probably think about how to actually make that behavioral change. I mean, just look at the paragraphs I just typed to you! I hate that it is true about anger producing more engagement than good feelings, and wish I wasn’t vulnerable to that too.


  • so many wholesome posts and communities attract comments like this, pointing out why it is fake or not actually this wholesome. and I wonder where the healthy balance is between “facts and truth is important, actually; and so is not letting people wholesomewash awful experiences” and “party-pooping on an already-negative, very-happy-to-get-angry-about-politics platform in one of the few positive places doesn’t feel great”